On Extraordinary People and American Women’s Reproductive Duties

Yesterday, by way of defending Rep. Todd Akin (who claimed that women’s bodies will magically not get pregnant from rape, but whatever), former Arkansas governor and presidential candidate Mike Huckabee noted that in fact, rapes have yielded some downright terrific folks! Like gospel singer Ethel Waters, and Huckabee’s mentor, James “God’s Hit Man” Robison:

…[E]ven from those horrible, horrible tragedies of rape, which are inexcusable and indefensible, life has come and sometimes, you know, those people are able to do extraordinary things.

Since we can’t know in advance which rape victims might go on to produce televangelists, it follows that abortion must be illegal under all circumstances.

I have to admit, the man has a point. What he’s saying is, after all, a logical extension of a very persuasive argument for criminalizing non-rape abortion. Consider: President Obama was the child of a teenage mother—if she had chosen to have an abortion, he wouldn’t exist. And if Steve Jobs’s unmarried, college-aged parents had chosen abortion instead of adoption, we would have no iPods!

Even my fellow liberals will agree that that would be a tragedy.

Similarly, Martin Luther King, Jr., was the second of three children. If his parents had stopped at one, who would have led the civil rights movement?

International superstar Madonna is the third of six children. Had her parents decided to quit after two, we would live in a world without “Like a Virgin.” Can you even imagine?

Over the years, I’ve often been asked how I’d feel if my mom had aborted me. I used to reply that as a non-existent person, I would feel precisely nothing. But now, having reconsidered the issue, I’m not sure that hypothetical scenario even goes far enough. I have three older siblings, so if we truly want to ensure that the world doesn’t miss out on the next Kate Harding–and I know we all do–American women should be required to have at least four kids. Just to be on the safe side.

And then think of the Jolie-Pitt twins, Vivienne and Knox, the fifth and sixth little ones in their family. Are you going to look me in the eye and tell me you wish those babies had never been born?

Heck, even if everyone stopped at six, there would be no Bobby or Ted Kennedy, Michael or Janet Jackson, Donnie or Mark Wahlberg. It’s horrible to consider.

Now that I’ve really given some thought to the prospect of people I admire never even getting born, it seems obvious that if all American adults aren’t trying for at least ten children, we’re potentially depriving our society of its best and brightest. Sure, most of us would have trouble affording such big families, but just look at that list again–can we really afford not to?

And yes, I understand that this means everyone with functional female reproductive organs will have to start getting pregnant early, and mostly remain that way for a decade or more, in order to meet their quotas before the biological window of opportunity closes. Obviously, that means it will be virtually impossible for baby-bearers to establish and maintain careers besides motherhood–and as a feminist, I don’t take that lightly. But you have to admit, some things are more important than paying work! If five or six kids sounds like a reasonable compromise to you, you are literally saying that our country will never need another Bobby Kennedy.

Think about it.

Building the best possible America requires sacrifice, folks. If you’ve achieved sexual maturity and are not currently working on populating this country with as many human beings as it takes to produce a higher number of extraordinary ones, shame on you! Just wait and see how “important” your job seems on the day Josie Brooklyn Duggar collects her first Nobel Prize.

Books and Bikinis, Plus Size Edition

Since yesterday, my Twitter feed has been full of links to an oddly compelling website that matches book covers to bathing suits. The images are really cool, but with one exception, none of those bathing suits come in (anywhere near) my size. So I thought I’d put together a little gallery of my own.

Suit purchase info is in the captions. Book purchase info (ahem) is available when you click the images.

Kiyonna Kelly swimsuit, $118, and Catalina wrap cover-up, $46

Bright Delight Swimsuit, naKIMuli, $138

Penbrooke White Dew Drops tankini, Swimsuits for All, $59.84

St. Tropez Teal Fringe Swimsuit, Monif C., $107.25

Beach Belle Riviera Tankini, Swimsuits for All, $40.32

Infinity Blu Cove, Swimsuits for All, $23.60

Monokini, by Ro, $85

Point Guard Swimsuit, naKIMuli, $145

15 Rape Jokes That Work

Lindy West, Jessica Valenti, and Jonnie Marbles have already written everything I would have to say, and quite a bit more, about the latest Daniel Tosh rape joke controversy. So here’s what I have to add to the conversation: an even longer list (including some mentioned by Lindy, Jessica, and Jonnie) of rape jokes that work as jokes–which is to say, A) they’re constructed so that rape victims are not the butt of the joke, and B) they made me laugh.

Emphasis on the “me” there. Not everyone’s going to agree, and some people are going to think I’m a bad feminist, which, what else is new. But I want to be able to link to this post in the future, when this happens again–because it always does–and hordes of young men start screaming–because they always do–that feminists are trying to take all the funny out of comedy AGAIN.

I am a feminist. I have been raped. And I think the following 15 rape jokes are hilarious. So please fuck all the way the fuck off with your “You just don’t understand comedy” bullshit. (Here’s an alternative proposal: Maybe you just don’t understand being a decent human being.)

Special thanks to funny ladies who contributed (on purpose or not) to the list: Kate Black, Jess Zimmerman, Megan Carpentier, Chloe Angyal, Sweet Machine, the commenters at Jezebel, and the indispensable Mary Elizabeth Williams (who adds, “I also laugh every time in Book of Mormon somebody talks about raping a baby. WOW I REALLY LOVE RAPE JOKES”).

1. Wanda Sykes:

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our pussies were detachable? … Some crazy guy jumps out of the bushes, all like, ‘Aaah,’ and you’re like, ‘Uh-uh, left it at home!’

2. Elayne Boosler, probably inspiring Wanda:

I’m walking in New York with my boyfriend, and he says, ‘Gee, it’s a beautiful night, let’s go down by the river.’ I said, ‘What are you, nuts? I’m not going down by the river! It’s midnight, I’m wearing jewelry, I’m carrying money, I have a vagina with me…’

3. Tig Notaro:

So he thought that I thought there were sexual predators running up and down the halls of the resort where I was staying, and that all the management decided to do, instead of springing for some security, was just to run down to the local Kinko’s and run off some shoddy, low-rent sign that just said, ‘No moleste.’

4. Sarah Silverman:

I was raped by a doctor, which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

5. Larry Kleist, rapist, from Mr. Show:

Hello! Insurance is my game, Larry is my name! Raping is another game of mine. Have you considered–hello?

6. The Onion, riffing on McDonald’s “Hamburglar” in 2002:

The Hammurderer is quickly becoming regarded as the worst-received advertising mascot since Kool-Aid’s 1989 discontinuation of ‘The Grapist,’ a huge purple monster who sodomizes thirsty children.

7. Woody Allen, Annie Hall:

Annie: This tie’s a present from Grammy Hall.

Alvy: Who? Grammy… . Grammy Hall?

Annie: Yeah, my grammy.

Alvy: What are you … What did you do, grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting?

Annie: I know. It’s pretty silly, isn’t it?

Alvy: My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

8. Marcus Brigstocke:

Then out of the blue, he went, ‘Yeah, yeah. ‘Til one of them [immigrants] rapes your wife.’ [beat] That’s not why they’re coming here, is it? You know, not just to rape my wife? There must be other reasons.

9. The Onion News Network:

Joining us now are Megan’s parents… With a daughter so pretty, one can’t help but assume that she’s being raped.

Missing Girl Probably Raped

10. Dane Cook, you guys. Dane Motherfucking Cook can construct a funny rape joke. This means no one else, anywhere, ever, has an excuse to screw this up.

I’m pretty sure if I sat down with a woman who’s been [raped], and I said, ‘Can you describe what this was like, going through this?’ she’s not gonna look at me and go, ‘Have you ever played Halo?’

11. The Onion, yet again:Raped Environment Led Polluters On, Defense Attorneys Argue

“Believe me, this is no virgin forest,” said Frank Abbate, owner of the Bellingham-based G&H Consolidated Timber. “It may try to pass itself off as pristine and untouched, but I know for a fact that it has a long history of allowing itself to be used by developers.”

12. Louis C.K., on going back in time to kill Hitler:

I wouldn’t have killed Hitler, I would have raped him, that’s what I thought. Because I think that would have been enough. I think that would have stopped him from doing all that shit. If he had been raped by me, he never would have pulled any of that stuff. ‘Should we invade Poland?’ ‘Nah, I just want to take a shower. I don’t feel good.’

13. Ever Mainard (who gets bonus points for setting a good rape joke in my neighborhood)

I feel like that should be a game show, like, ‘Here’s your raaaaaape! It’s loud in the club and the music’s bumpin’, and you went to the restroom–uh-oh, time out! You forgot to put that cardboard thing over your drink! Here’s your raaaaaaape!’

14. Sarah Silverman again, via the NYT, with what might be the most perfect rape joke ever crafted:

“I need more rape jokes,” she shouted nasally before letting her fans in on what she called a comedy secret, that such jokes are actually not so “edgy” after all. “Who’s going to complain about rape jokes? Rape victims?” she asked. “They barely even report rape.”

15. And one last time, The Onion, just today: “Daniel Tosh Chuckles Through Own Violent Rape.”

“You have to admit, this is pretty hilarious,” said the teary-eyed 37-year-old, his bloodied face slamming against a brick wall as he was brutally and repeatedly penetrated against his will for the 53rd straight minute.

OK, maybe that one’s not so much funny as totally horrifying, since it asks you to laugh specifically at the thought of someone being attacked! Which is, I don’t know, kind of the whole fucking point?

In other words, the next time some idiot 19-year-old publishes a rape fantasy in a college newspaper, then tries to call it “satire,” please point him there. Because that is how it’s done.

The Return of the Petite Prick: Could small cocks make a comeback?

(Title stolen from Jessica Valenti. Most of the non-penis-related words below stolen from Simon Doonan, because COME ON.) 

The larger dick became the norm around the turn of the century, and it shows no signs of deflating. Radical cock augmentation is now ubiquitous, according to me, and to hell with the consequences. So what if you bruise your abdomen while running to catch the bus? So what if you can’t fit into any trendy clothes because your waist is a 34 but your rod is the size of a Shake Weight? It’s worth it to be the focus of female and gay male attention. Right?

A non-existent trend in restaurants—I like to imagine foodie insiders would call them pricketerias—would, if it existed, justify my desire to write phrases like “leviathan love muscles” and get paid for it, even though I’m basically making shit up. Examples might include Seattle-based Peckerheads, where the waiters are dressed as firefighters, football players and racecar drivers–but you know, slutty ones–and The Open Fly, which could have more than fifty—count ‘em!—locations nationwide, plus one in Canada, if we lived in a culture that regarded the male body as an object for consumption, like tasty hot wings. And then there’s the Back Door … But let’s not get distracted by asstaurants. Let’s stick with the topic at hand: With their phalanxes of liberally endowed, Speedo-clad serving drudges, these phallus palaces are poised to make even old-school Jumbo Johnson’s (that’s what I assume the old school version would have been called) appear tentative, restrained, and genteel, to mention nothing of causing my (similarly non-existent) insecure MRA brother to have a seizure.

Despite the worldwide embrace of enormous artificial dongs that I just made up, I remain convinced that the pendulous pendulum will, at some point, begin to swing in the other direction. Style is, after all, cyclical in nature. I know what you are thinking: Only a feminist could seriously posit the notion that big dicks might “go out of fashion.” However, being d’un certain age, I am old enough to remember when teeny peenies roamed the Earth.

Wobbly screen. Let’s go back.

It’s the early 1990s. I am at the movie theater with a bunch of my ladyfriends, none of whom are any more penis-obsessed than I am. We are here to see The Piano, a trendy, arty film starring Holly Hunter, Harvey Keitel, and Anna Paquin as I don’t even remember what, but also: Harvey Keitel’s cock. Apart from Jaye Davidson’s, I cannot remember an onscreen ween receiving more attention during my college years. The Piano and The Crying Game were kind of a long time ago, and I don’t actually remember how big either ballyhooed tallywhacker was, so it’s not a very good story. This concludes my paragraph about movie wangs of my youth.

Memories of the hype around Harvey Keitel’s flapping flute came flooding back when people started talking about the recent movie ShameShame is intermittently enlivened with– as someone who, unlike me, has seen it wrote– “hookers, pornography, masturbation and casual sex, all pursued with a resolve that can only be called grim.” Whenever the narrative starts flagging, I hear, off come the clothes, and here comes Michael Fassbender’s well-shaped natural manhood.

Not having seen it (except wait, I did see A Dangerous Method, and that might also have full frontal Fassbender? With all due respect to the very fine actor and his junk, I can’t recall that, either), I can only speculate as to whether the ferociously compelling Mister Fassbender, with his uninflated organ, might possess the power to usher out the era of the porno-wang. Can he put the natural wiener back up where it belongs? Might Shame repopularize the smaller shaft, or Hampton Wick, as it is known in the Cockney rhyming slang of Simon Doonan’s homeland? (It’s rhyming slang. Use your imagination, or Google “Cockney rhyming slang penis” like I did.)

My optimistic speculations fizzled—a bit like the elastic in vintage Calvin Klein tighty-whities—when a movie buff pal apprised me of the following fact: Fassbender’s dick is big! So much for the trend I made up to counterbalance the other trend I made up. Poop.

I realize that, as far as most people are concerned, there is no issue here. Most people are too busy enjoying the current era of well-rounded male characters and very little schlong in their mainstream cinema to give a thought to any alternative. In this regard, they are most selfish. After all, practically every movie has a pair of naked tits on a two-dimensional lady character in it these days, and if I know anything about equality, that means we should all be clamoring for more wooden male characters, if you get my drift. We are tired of seeing no motherfuckin’ trouser snakes on these motherfuckin’ screens, is what I’m saying! (I ask you: Who needs current jokes when you have a gift for humorous wordplay?)

They’d best be natural-looking, smaller trouser snakes, though. At the end of the day, health concerns may well cut the cackle, which I assume is Cockney rhyming slang for something that makes sense here. After all, MayoClinic.com says that penile implants carry numerous risks, including that “in some semirigid devices, internal parts can break down over time. In inflatable devices, fluid can leak or the pump device can fail.” Yikes! More horrifying still: “In some cases, an implant may stick to the skin inside the penis or wear away the skin from inside the penis. Rarely, an implant breaks through the skin.” And since my tacky, played-out dick jokes mostly don’t work unless you accept the premise that all large penises were made so artificially by their (shallow and vain, though of course you won’t hear me say it!) owners, it follows that a wee willy is better for one’s health and thus the only fashionable choice in a rational world.

But let’s not end on such a downer. I simply couldn’t carry myself with an erect bearing if I left it there. With that in mind, I give you my current fave imaginary pricketeria chain name: Joysticks. Feel free to one-up me in the comments with a well-monikered pricketeria from your own imagination, since there is obviously not an actual one in your neighborhood because LOL, I mean really.

Bon appétit!

 

“It’s just tiresome. Damn tiresome.”

If you go to the front page of Shapely Prose, the fat acceptance blog I headed up between 2007 and 2010, you will find a big “Sorry, we’re closed” sign under the words “Welcome to the Shapely Prose Archive.” If you still don’t get it, beneath that, I explained even more about how the blog is no longer operational. In September 2010. And if someone arrives today via a link to a specific post, the blog’s fucking tagline is now “2007-2010,” so I’m really not trying to trick people into mistaking it for an active blog.

Around September 2010, I also turned off comments for the whole site, forever, and said I wasn’t going to check the moderation queue again, which is hands-down one of the most liberating decisions I’ve made in recent years. Until tonight, I’d kept good on my promise not to check the queue. I’m not entirely sure how I ended up with 206 pending comments–most of them spam, of course, but many of them real comments from 2011–in the Shapely Prose queue, since the current template doesn’t even offer comment boxes at the end of posts anymore. But I have changed the template a few times, so maybe some did?

Anyway. Tonight I pop over to the SP dashboard to see what kind of traffic I got on a post that was linked a lot yesterday, while the #mencallmethings campaign was going strong. (This is because I am narcissistic and have too much time on my hands, so save your breath. I know.) And I decide I’m going to skim those 206 pending comments to see how many of them are exactly the kind of thing we were talking about. Wouldn’t it be funny if people were commenting on a long-dormant blog in hopes that somehow, someday, I would still receive their very important messages about how I am ugly, disgusting, stupid, deserving of painful death, etc.?

HILARIOUS, is what that would be.

So yeah, here are some highlights of the last few months, on a blog that’s been closed for over a year. Most of these were on two posts from 2007.

The same 2007 that happened four years ago, just so we’re clear.

Everything in quotation marks is verbatim, including display names (and in a couple of cases, choice fake e-mail addies).

1. You make me [sic].

“You fat people disgust me, I mean how hard is it to not eat and do heaps of exercise for a few weeks (not hard). You people may love your body now, but just wait until you are having a heart attack or stroke in a few years time, you sad excuses of humans make me sick. There are so many sick people that would do anything for a healthy body and you putrid fatties abuse yours in the name of ‘bieng proud of your body’.

Do society a favour and eat some more McDonalds so you’ll die faster thus making the world a better place.”

- “You Make Me Sick,” fuckthefatties@hotmail.com

2. Look, we’ve established that I’m fat. I would need a much bigger dignity if I intended to hide behind it.

“What??? This is bull crap. Fat is a sickness and is horrible. Do double chin looks sexy or healthy? People please loose weight and stop mistreating your body. Start today by eating healthy and start doing some exercise. Sedentary people sadly don’t know how to eat and they eat mostly “crap”, processed “microwaveable” food. Lots of refined sugar and white flours, lots of fried foods. Some people is Fat because a medical condition no matter what they do or don’t. But being fat without a reason is a WORSE sick condition because you don’t realize how bad and ugly is your situation.

Of course there are thin people who eat crap and don’t exercise …. and so what??? Fat people do not eat healthy either don’t lie to your self, you get there by just eating bad and toooo much. Stop hidden behind the “dignity” crap and start by showing some guts and self control and lose weight. Stop being a loser, if being fat is a good and acceptable matter why you feel so depressed and you read books about loving your fat body?????? Don’t destroy your self, please wake up! Even if thin people are eating crap and they are not healthy (as you state as your good excuse to mistreat your fat body) No one can denied that fat people look ugly, sick and destructive (of their own body)”

4. And then there’s the inevitable mind-reader…
“Being fat is disgusting…it ruins lives….you’d be lying to yourself of you say that you’re happy with the way you look”

- “Seneca”

4. And the classics…

“Fat people are fucking disgusting.”

- “Fred Zanford”

“Just put the f**king fork down and think of the Somali children you disgusting pigs.”

- “Weslers”

“all i see is a bunch of fat ass losers bitching because they think they deserve special accommodations for their lack of self control.”
-“John Smith”
5. And let us not forget the SAD BONERs…
“Ok, so let’s just throw it out there that fit looking people are, to the majority of the world, considered more physically attractive. Don’t give me this bull of: “oh, I’m heavy and my hubby finds me so hot.” That’s fine, I’m sure he does; and there are plenty of such folks out there. But in broad numbers, sit people down in a random survey of 1 million people from around the [western] world, fit looking people (with low amounts of body fat), will generally be rated as being more attractive. That’s a fact.

My problem, which I hate, is that I too find skinny and/or low amount of body fat more attractive in women. It sucks, but I just do. I don’t find fat people attractive. I wish I could. Why? Because America is getting so fat. Hell, everybody is fat now days. I’m fit, but damn it’s hard to find a fit/low-body fat girl out there that’s single. That’s what’s annoying. You just get tired of EVERYONE being so fat (even being around fat guys gets annoying). It’s just tiresome…damn tiresome.

And then we get into this article. Ugh, this is tiresome too: the whole “I’m fat and fit and it’s okay”. Brits, Americans, Auzzies: all getting fatter. No, most of you don’t have a thyroid problem. It’s called caloric intake. Just eat less calories. You look sloppy. If you’re going to spend the money to buy nice clothes to look good, why can’t you just eat smaller portions to make yourself thinner in addition to working out. And you know what? If you’re hungry, go chug a liter of water and you’ll find you’ll be full and don’t have to stuff your face.

Ugh!!!!!”

-“Franko.rizzo@yahoo.com” (Yes, that’s what he used as his display name as well as his e-mail; if it’s real, I’m only publishing what would have gone out there if I’d approved the comment.)

“The problem is that men are rigidly held to those standards… bending the rules and/or refusing to hold women to the same standards, is a double standard.I am a man with a 23.5 BMI, 9% body fat, an athletic build. I want a woman who has the same.But all that’s left are these morbidly obese women, all the good looking ones got snatched up. Maintaining a healthy weight IS NOT DIFFICULT. I work out a grand total of 4 hours a week. If I ever really started working out, I could easily get my body fat percentage down and my mass up so that I could have an idyllic 5%. Then, maybe I’d be able to get a halfway decent woman in this world where we pity women, we say ‘oh, that’s okay, you’re fat, you’re overweight, it’s no big deal’.

Women don’t say that to guys – If you’re not perfect you get overlooked and passed up for the next guy. In fact, you could be well above average and get overlooked for something you were born with, like your height or your race.

What kind of messed up world do we live in when we invent things like ‘thick’ and ‘BBW” for women, but for men it’s just ‘fat’?

BMI is one of the last strongholds of men to remind them how attractive they really are in this world that discriminates against them to no end – They can look at their bodies and say ‘wow, I have the build of a semi-professional athlete’.

That’s something that women and their double standards can’t take away.

Please note that I’m not even delving into my personal qualifications as a successful independent business owner, college valedictorian and rock musician. If you want to talk unfair, asking for THAT in a woman in addition to my athletic body type is unfair and impossible.

I’d be happy if you just changed your diets, stopped drinking and smoking and eating red meat. Thanks a ton.”

- “Man Who Is Angered By Double Standards”

6. But of course, the positive feedback makes it all worthwhile. 
“I thought there was going to be a load of bullshit written, but this is good.”

- “G”